Are you talking to me?

I guess the experts will have all sorts of comments to make on the range and extent of emotions that people go through when faced with life and all its hurdles. When this all started and the doctor first told me I had cancer, I felt pretty detached. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the doctor was fixated on telling me things in doctorspeak, but then, even afterwards I still felt as though this was just another thing I would have to deal with. Even now - still not knowing the extent of the problem - I feel that this is something we'll get past and in a few months be able to move on with our lives.

To be quite frank about it, even if these scans show some inoperable problem and I'm told to get my shit together so I can die without inconveniencing anyone, I'll still feel pretty much the same way. After all, I've lived for 60 years in relatively good circumstances, haven't wanted for anything, and have generally enjoyed my life.When I think of the little girl somewhere in Africa who has dysentery and has never had a square meal, or I think of the young mother who has to take her child to the hospital every month for treatment, I realise how truly fortunate I have been.

Maybe I should feel guilty? Nah... I'm not that altruistic. Anyway, there have been a few times when the tears have overflowed - like in the doctor's office when I was trying to understand what was being said so I could let the kids know. But mainly it's been when other people put on their sad face and talk to me as if I'm on my deathbed.

So here's the new rule. All tears are to remain unshed until my funeral - which, as far as I know is going to be in about another 25 years. Anyone who breaks this rule has to live with the knowledge that they made a grown man cry. Ok, I know that down the track there will be a few exceptions to this rule, but I'm really, really hoping they are going to be few and far between.

I was going to say sorry for this diatribe, but I'm not 'cause writing this crap down helps me in some way that I don't really understand (No! I'm not looking for someone to explain it to me.) So, you guys, as my family and friends will just have to put up with it - or hit delete.

So, that's me for now. I'll let you know how fast the MRI goes.